Beautiful Freak

2010-01-11T02:05:00.001+08:00

Charlene - Never Been To Me

Hey lady, you lady
cursing at your life
you're a discontented mother
and a regimented wife
I've no doubt
you dream about the things you never do
but I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Please lady please lady
don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
still living in your eyes
won't you share a part
of a weary heart that has lived a million lives

Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
when I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
and showed them what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'pose to see
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places
as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?
it's that little baby you're holding
and it's that man you fought with this morning
the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that's truth that's love

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children
that might have made me complete
but I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring
the subtle whoring
that costs too much to be free
hey lady I've been to paradise
but I've never been to me...

I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

2010-01-07T02:32:00.003+08:00

I feel such an absence, an absence that cannot be fathomed, cannot be filled. Where did Time go? What an elusive entity. Right now, I feel age creeping up on me. Like it's growing its roots, and ever so slowly, it will encompass my entire being. There really isn't enough time, for the amount of things to accomplish. A pity, such a pity indeed.

2009-05-01T03:25:00.002+08:00

I've come to a point where I absolutely cannot bear listening to local radio. All the incessant chatting, the fake laughter, the hideous jokes that are not the least bit funny. Yak yak yak yak ... *groans*

I want to have my own radio station. I'll play the club hits, R&B, hip-hop, old skool hip-hop, slow jamz, soul, reggae, reggaeton, acapella ... Gosh, they should really come up with a station like this!

2009-02-23T20:12:00.001+08:00

Dearest Mama, it is going to be 1 year since you have gone to a better place ... We still miss you sorely.

In our houses of concrete,
lingering are memories of you.
Your strength and love so complete,
any demise could not undo.
What a brave and fighting spirit,
the toughest pillar of support.
Remembering you is our habit,
as we watched the fight you fought.
Though in our houses of concrete,
all of which you no longer dwell,
But now in the house of the Lord,
that is where you're happy and well.

2009-02-08T04:37:00.006+08:00

Strumming pains of memories,
stifling the air around.
Pressing months of sick thoughts,
tarnishing angelic mounds.
Weary of two-faced monsters,
hounding my front and back.
Angry at the mass oblivion,
sincerity's what they lack.
Patience is a well-known virtue,
something I do not possess.
Return of a flat retort,
nothing more nothing less.
So once again I say to you,
let these words be your cue.

2009-01-24T01:32:00.008+08:00

The days and nights go flying by,
With regrets aplenty I don't know why.
Time comes closer to twenty-five,
Naught in me, that is my life.

The days and nights go flying by,
Newfound knowledge makes me shy.
A glass I see, of whiskey,
Such a best friend it's to me.

The days and nights go flying by,
Without sometimes even a hi.
Dreams can float or they can sink,
Mine they sink always, I think.

The days and nights go flying by,
All I do is produce a sigh.
Feeling, longing, wanting, stinging,
Here's the story of my being.

The days and nights go flying by ...

2008-10-25T04:13:00.003+08:00

Has it really come to this? That I have to take the car out to the club, just so I have no choice but NOT to drink.

2008-10-20T15:43:00.007+08:00

I had 3 really good dinners for my birthday last week. Homecooked, authentic Korean, and American Club food. Triple yumms!

When I told Lana I wanted her to cook Spanish food for me, I was joking, I did not expect her to really carry it out. But she did and it was superbly delicious.

Tuesday ...

Recipes ...

White sangria with Riesling as base ... Got drunk on this by myself a coupla nights, she made so much! But it tasted even better as the days passed and the fruits soaked longer.

Stuffed tomatoes with egg mayo. *slurps*

Spanish Ham Croquettes, this tasted like it was bought from a restaurant or something. Wonderful. I ate 3 of this!

There was another dish, Pollo en Salsa which we didn't manage to take pictures of cos we wolfed it down pretty quickly. I really liked that dinner.

Wednesday ... Dinner with family at a Korean restaurant in Shenton Way, very good service and nice ambience, lotsa food too. Stuffed ourselves to the brim. Had delicious chocolate truffle cake at the end to top off the birthday dinner. Way too full, but it didn't stop me from having my free flow alcohol that night. One too many whiskeys, and two too many cosmopolitans. :P

Friday ... Barry spoiled my surprise by calling me and telling me that he and Lesley will be in town around 7.30pm. After realising he might have made a major booboo as I sounded like I didn't know anything about it, he tried to change the subject. Too bad, too late! Haha. Anyway, kinda knew we would be eating at The American Club, really love the food there. But once we walked past the restaurant I knew we were heading for the bowling alley. True enough, Les, Barry, Trina, Ems, Lana and her mommy booked 2 lanes for us and we ordered main courses too. We bowled a total of 4 games each, and that's the most I've ever bowled at a time! It was a very fun night and I enjoyed myself tremendously. We ended the night by heading to Arena, got a lil buzzed and I think we had Macdonald's at 3am if my memory doesn't fail me.

Oh, we had some themed bowling night too, a hat night. Mine gave me a headache so I took it off, hehe.

After all that partying and pigging out for the past 2 weeks, my body finally caved in and I fell sick. En route to recovery now!

2008-10-06T00:37:00.005+08:00

I had my first ever birthday surprise today! But let's rewind to last Wednesday first, I feel so knackered out because it's been no rest since then. Just so many things going on and on, so many places to go. This could be my longest post ever, proceed with caution. :)

It all started with Wednesday night ... Ladies' night, free entry and free flow for the girls at most clubs. What do we do? Just only something very natural, heh. So Yan Ling and I decided we were definitely going to leave at 1am (she had to work the next day, I had to send my parents to the airport at 6am). I dunno how, but we actually went to another club to party some more and 1am morphed into 3.30am! I was a tad too intoxicated even after a shower, I wrote my parents a note and they had to cab to the airport.

Thursday ... Woke up feeling awful and still reeking of alcohol. But I had to run around to look for my father's birthday present. Went to pick Alana up, then went to Ikea in Tampines for a late lunch where I bumped into a primary school teacher of mine, after which we hunted around in Ikea and Courts to no avail. Went to V.Hive in Eastpoint and I found what I was looking for, but wasn't too pleased so decided to try out The Furniture Mall. Rushed there after the ERP surcharge (yes I am a cheapo) and was so confused with the building layout, walked around levels after levels, shops after shops, but I didn't find it. Later, we headed to Wala Wala's to meet up with Wendy. After sending them home, I was soooooo sleepy.

Friday ... Had to go into work early for a 3 hour product launch. Boring. Had a small window of time in between that and my physiotherapy session, so I squeezed in a 20-lap swim and an hour in the gym. After physio, I had to change and head out to Clarke Quay to meet Mel, Barry, Lana and Les. Checked out Crazy Elephant and went to party with Trina for a bit at Forbidden City after. Then I had a really bad case of gastritis which lasted a full 3hours! That was bad, I couldn't walk properly and I couldn't stomach anything. A good thing Lana took care of me, phew.

Saturday ... Got woken up by Lana and Trina at 11.30am, they had just finished their pilates session and were ready to go for lunch. Dragged myself out of bed, washed up and went downstairs. Headed to the Prata House and saw Zoe Tay and her hubby. Her eyes are huge, and she's so slim. *envy* Went back to Lana's while Trina went back to shower and change before picking us up and dropping me off in the East while she went to the hospital. Later, we had dinner at my house as my dear Aunty Yati cooked so much food! And she had laid out our placemats, we didn't have the heart to say no. So we left for KM8 about 7-ish, and we took 1.5 hours to get there. First there was a massive jam from the Keppel Road exit into Sentosa, second we could not find that bloody place - lack of proper lighting and lack of proper signs! After the fire twirling event, we actually headed to MOS to hit it up with Eunice, Thomas and Yan Ling. Bypassed the ridiculously long queue spilling onto the main road, and got in free with more free drinks. Now, my butt was glued to the stool most of the night. Crashed at 4am.

Sunday ... 10.30am - Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Was very grumpy for an hour. Poor Lana got the brunt of it. Trina came to pick us, and I thought she was going to the hospital again that's why we ate in Downtown East. Suddenly, halfway through my pizza, Lesley, Barry and Ems pop out from nowhere and surprised me! So we eat and talk and eat some more, then Les brings out a very yummy chocolate cake. I forced them not to sing, but to WHISPER the birthday song. However, all of them could not hear each other and were singing in their own tempo, very 'sala' ... So they rectified that problem by trying again, this time they did it in a cannon. Cute.

With lunch finished, they started walking off, and I had no choice but to follow, we ended up at Escape Theme Park. Haha, made a beeline for the Go Karts and queued for an awful long time before it was our turns. Fun, but a bumpy ride that had us all making our way to the toilets after. Next, we embarked on the only roller-coaster ride there, which was a kid's ride I'm sure. Very tiny ride, but it was surprisingly quite fast and fun! Then we decided to take the water log ride, and that got us sooo drenched, from head to toe, clothes all soaked. I liked the big drop! (See pictures above) But not too keen on the dirty water that made me wet. Heard Lana and Trina screaming their lungs out on the plunge, and Les started screaming the whole climb up, and down! ... Then Les suggested taking the Viking, "The wind can dry our clothes faster", she says, to much regret. Our dear friend felt so sick after that she had to puke before getting into the car. That'll most certainly be her first and last time on the Viking. Thank you so much guys! Love you all to bits.

Home sweet home. Had dinner at home, but parents also bought back Kok Kee kolo mee from Lavender Street Market ... Yumms! Basically I had 2 dinners, sigh, calories calories calories. Fell asleep while watching CSI : Miami, kinda like a power nap. Made me feel a bit rested, then I sent my cousin and Lana home.

Here I am, going to crash. Shall be anticipating this coming Wednesday, more partying to ensue. My friends are either taking Thursday off or going in late, ha, I can't wait.

Over and out, and asleep.

2008-09-26T13:02:00.003+08:00

Imagine the layers of ourselves,
Gnawing at our very insides.
Picture the mess of emotions,
Crawling dangerously amok.
Passing by what could have been,
Is life always like that?

2008-09-25T23:07:00.002+08:00

Whiffs of smoke and dirt that remain within
What a rancid possession
Worry of life's little trials and tests
What a foul disposition
So bobbing up and down the surface of truth
Seeing is believing
Nostalgia of distant and cold reminiscence
Let's just let it cease now

2008-09-25T01:00:00.003+08:00

If the mere thoughts were vapour,
What more could the if's be?
An array of overdue wants,
Amassing the life of me.

Lonely beings of many if's,
Survival is our livelihood.
Discontent may punctuate,
But what else is any good?

2008-07-22T00:53:00.002+08:00

I actually miss being young. With that air of innocence, the absence of bitterness and the belief in every single person's essential goodness. Now, I tend to pass judgment on a lot of things, and lot of people. I do not believe in everyone's essential goodness anymore, not even in people I know and grew to love.

The best of man can still turn a 180 degrees and commit nasty things when I least expect it. What should I make from that? I am blinded by the darkness of people all around, that sometimes I fear I am no different.

Nothing in its purest beauty and goodness remains. Time erodes that layer by layer. It's such a natural process that nobody ever pays much attention to their degeneration. Good things never last, and friends come and go.

I never used to pass judgment on people I called my "friends", but through the years I have begun. Now, after my erosion, I have become more jaded and cynical. I can no longer deal with friends who call themselves that, but do not act in any way as one.

If you shall not bother, why should I anymore? It is as simple as that.

2008-06-16T00:47:00.002+08:00

I was finally put off the crutches a week ago, yay! So I headed to town for the first time in 6 weeks on Fri evening, I must say ... Eurgh! Still too many people for my liking, still too many people who stink for my liking. It was so strange.

I should have been elated with that fresh breath of freedom and that I'm finally out and about. Alas it wasn't to be so. Instead I felt so annoyed and displeased with everything. I need to get out of Singapore, even if for a few days. I normally go away every quarter, but it's already June and I haven't escaped yet!

Anyway, I had a very eventful weekend. Not to mention that I've been stuffing myself way too much these 2 days for lunch and dinner. Sigh, all the weight lost during my "confinement" at home gone to waste. So yesterday was my Pri. 6 gathering, and it was quite a good turn out I must say. Some of us amazingly still look the same and some just changed so much over the 12 years. The most incredulous thing is that our teacher still looks exactly the same. How does someone stay so slim and not age over a period of 12 years, and having had 3 children? I know I wouldn't, for sure. It was a fun meet-up and I can't believe it lasted a whole 7 hours!

2008-06-04T13:43:00.003+08:00

When a fight breaks out, one guy is surely to be kicked to the ground. Then he tries to stand up, but as he does he gets kicked down again and again. After many failed attempts of standing up, he caves in and stays sprawled on the floor. He realises that there is no point trying to stand up, he just gets kicked down no matter what.

And that is how all faith and hope die.

2008-06-01T01:57:00.001+08:00

Of all things unthinkable, I do think I have an anger issue. I need anger management. Or emotion management, something along those lines. I miss feeling nothing.

2008-05-28T22:39:00.001+08:00

My friends have been kind and caring. They ask after me, and quite a few of them have even taken the time to come and visit me at home. Thanks so much, all of you.

But right now, I just feel like crawling into a hole, curl myself up and sleep the days away.

2008-05-22T01:40:00.001+08:00

Oh. My. God. It's only been 2.5 weeks, and I've made the worst discovery, after what I found out about my ankle that is. My left leg, especially my left calf, is so much bigger than my right now! *Screams* Horror of all horrors. Shit!

2008-05-20T13:25:00.002+08:00

I didn't think I was so unfit. I finally stepped out of the house yesterday (excluding the hospital visit) for the first time in 2 weeks plus. Headed to Tampines Mall with Lana to meet her mom for lunch. Gosh! It was tiring. I was sweating like a pig, in the air-conditioned Mall. I haven't had to walk on crutches for that much before. And the crowd! The crowd of rude and inconsiderate Singaporeans, nothing out of the ordinary I say.

So they see this "paika" walking in this direction, and they still have to walk so near me, or walk directly in my direction. They looked almost as if they were going to kick my crutches out from my arms. Another lady actually banged into me. My my ... I had to give way to THEM instead. I didn't wanna risk being spread-eagled on the floor of a Mall, Tampines Mall or not. Rude pigs.

And then I woke up this morning really sleepy about 9plus. There was fogging going on downstairs and I wanted to shut my windows. However, in my sleepy state, I tried to get out of bed standing up on both legs! Bloody painful. I yelped and fell back on my bed. Urgh. So I tried using my crutches, and my lower palsm of my hands hurt like mad! From all the pushing off on them yesterday walking through the crowd.

Yeah, that's my conclusion now. I'm unfit.

-->Madonna - Miles Away<--

2008-05-19T15:54:00.003+08:00

Another 5hrs of badminton and tennis last night went by in a flash. Yay again. Thomas Cup final and the Masters Series Hamburg final. I'm so happy Nadal won Federer, after an astonishing comeback from 5-2 down in the first set to seal the set with a 5-7 win. Though Federer won the 2nd set, I knew Nadal would prevail, even through his injury. And Nadal indeed triumphed!

Watching badminton again made me sad. I don't know when and if I can play badminton with that kind of footwork again. Yeah, so people tell me, next time don't run so much in the court ... But if that's the case, what's the point of even playing? If I can't even play badminton, Muay Thai is an even further concept to realise.

I keep playing back that shot in my head. Wishing I could rewind to that moment, and this time I would not jump to the right to get that baseline shuttle.

But what can one do now, right?

2008-05-18T00:09:00.003+08:00

My Saturday night passed in a blink of an eye. I was glued to the sofa from 7pm-10pm watching the Uber Cup Final, then I went up to my mom's room and watched Nadal win Djokovic! I can't believe it's past 12am already. Yay.

Well, since I can't play, I'll watch. Right?

That's what I told Za last night too. The sweet girl came after work at 11.30pm and we yakked and yakked till it was 4am. After exchanges of us yawning, suddenly there was silence, for she put her head down on my bed, and I put my head back in my chair and I guess both of us kinda dozed off. I had a fun Friday night at home. What a pleasant surprise.

-->Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way<--

2008-05-16T12:35:00.004+08:00

So the past 2 days, I've been getting this headache all day, coupled with nausea. I try to go to sleep at nights and I have even more trouble than usual, because of this headache and nausea. I even wake up with them! I thought I'd be able to sleep them off. What is wrong?!

I think I just have nothing to do. Too much computer and TV and lying around. Either that, or the unsteadiness from moving around in crutches, thus the nausea. Haha. Oh well, only speculations.

Yesterday was my long awaited appointment with the sports clinic at CGH. My doc is my Dad's cousin, small world eh. And then I had my first physio session, and it becomes an even smaller world, my physiotherapist was my old neighbour!

Anyway, here's what I've learnt about my right ankle. I tore all 3 ligaments, and suffered bone impact on the inner part of the ankle too. The doc also told me 2 scary things. 1) I've been trying to walk the past 2 days, putting weight on my foot and all, BUT he said that since my ligaments are torn, there's nothing holding the 2 bones together, and if I put weight on my foot the bones will shift apart. If that happens, I would need to undergo surgery to put a screw in my leg holding those 2 bones together. Imagine my horror! 2) My inner ankle was bruised so bad, and hurts so much because of bone impact. When I fell, the 2 bones banged against each other and are 'injured', if the pain still persists in 3 months, that means I chipped or fractured the joints there and need a surgery to remove the bone fragments.

Well, hearing all that from the doc, the physiotherapist didn't bother mincing her words too. She just gave it to me as it is. Pressing and examining my ankle (that really hurt!), she just let out this loud "pffff" and said "yours is bad". *Sulks*

If I want to go back to badminton, I can do it in 3 months, IF I work hard enough during physio. Then I'd have to tape my ankle, and then wear an ankle guard. I'm thinking, since I have to tape my ankle from now on, I might as well go back to taping my knees too. But this nagging feeling tells me I won't be able to play badminton or Muay Thai for at least 6 months. :(

OH. There's this talus & tibia check, for the ankle to see if the talus moves away from the tibia, and if it does that means the ligaments are torn. The doc did that for my left (the foot which I thought was fine) and he went "Woah. This is also gone". So I have a torn ligament in my foot which I totally depend on now. Arghhhh!

I'd never thought a sprain could get this bad ...

2008-05-16T00:46:00.004+08:00

It feels so strange, to actually be posting entries on such a regular basis. I guess I'm really that bored, huh? :)

Somehow, this week passed by quicker than the last. I think there were a few factors that made it so. I started off my week with The Bearmeister paying me a visit in his gorgeous new black Susie. Yes, that's Barry's name for his Impreza, haha. And I received my first ever "Care Package"! Apparently, he was under instructions to get those things (Lele, he still got less points than you ha), and when he came with 4 gigantic bags from NTUC, I was hoping he didn't get me unhealthy snacks!

He was really nice and he got for me - 4 different flavours of Campbells (yummy!), Oreo's, Famous Amos cookies, orange juice, low fat milk, low fat yoghurt, 6 mini boxes of different cereals, grapes & kiwi for the bowels, and my favourite of the lot ... Nutella! So I've been eating a bit of different things from my Care Package since Monday, I wonder how long it'll last.

Anyhow, Lele and Ems came over this evening as well, and they surprised me with an extra thing ... Lana came too! Lana's been really encouraging and patient with me, she also comes at least once a week. Oh what would I do without her but die of boredom?! I had fun today with my girls, they're always a joy to be around and to talk to. Laughter all around. We had nice homecooked dinner and mom tah pau-ed some sweet & sour fish & sambal kangkong, tau pok & tau kwa too; then we chilled out in my room, played an MCF game, talked, joked ... nice. Wonder when I can do that with them beyond the walls of my home. Sigh.

Last week, my best friends from secondary school came over as well and we major caught up. They've been texting me to ask how I am and all that, which really touches my heart. Thanks Sam, thanks Yan Ling. :)

Time to hit the sack. That's my life now. The bed, my chair, the sofa, the dining table. *Groans*

-->Tori Amos - Beauty Of Speed<--

2008-05-12T13:10:00.002+08:00

Mothers' Day was an opportunity for my extended family on my maternal side to gather once more. I haven't seen all of us together since the passing of my Mama. So what better opportunity to cater yummy high tea and have a get-together? I was ready to fork out my share of the high tea (a treat to our Moms), but little did I know my parents were paying for it. The also saw a good opportunity yesterday and made it a Mothers' Day cum 25th Wedding Anniversary gathering! Smart of them, ha. Hmmm ... the chocolate eclairs, I think I must have had 8 of them!

Got to see my darling nieces after so long, and they're cute as ever! It was so heartwarming to see their look of genuine concern on their young faces, eyebrows burrowed over their huge innocent eyes upon seeing me on crutches. And I got some tender 'sayang-ing' from them. I guess I needed some activity around in the house after a week of confinement. But time still crawled slowly for me.

Dad opened a bottle of ice wine and another bottle of dessert wine, tried to drink a glass, but gave up after I started feeling a bit high. Couldn't risk being unsteady one-legged!

I can't wait for Thursday when I finally get to see a sports doctor at Changi General, however I'm also fearful of the prognosis. I am very willing to lay off badminton, Muay Thai and running for a while if I don't have to undergo surgery. *fingers crossed* I don't want to have to go for surgery. I can't imagine how much longer that will render me unable to do my sports. Rehab will be a very long process. Sigh.

-->Whitney Houston - How Will I Know<--

2008-05-10T23:33:00.003+08:00

I won tickets to Gwen Stefani last year from some Singtel/Nokia draw. Who knew? I'd never won lucky draw in my life! So I took my sister to the concert, under my mom's orders - I entered the draw with HER ticket. I remember feeling so sick and nauseous that day I almost didn't wanna go, but a good thing I did. It was my second time seeing Gwen Stefani perform and she's just as gorgeous as last when I saw her live. It was a Double Bill concert featuring No Doubt and The Cranberries (faints!).

I loved every minute of the Sweet Escape concert, and the part that blew me away was when she did my favourite "The Real Thing" with her bassist Gail Ann Dorsey (she used to perform with David Bowie) singing a verse too. I was blown away by Gail's voice, it gave me goosebumps and it was amazing. Sometimes I still watch youtube videos of that performance. I wish I had a voice like that.

I love this song.

I've seen your face a thousand times
Have all your stories memorized
I've kissed your lips a million ways
But I still love to have you around

I've held you too many times to count
I think I know you inside out
And we're together most days
But I still love to have you around

And you're the one I want and it's not just a phase
And you're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time

You're a salty water, ocean wave
You knock me down, you kiss my face
I know the storms will always come
But I still love to have you around

And heavens knows what will come next
So emotional, you're so complex
A rollercoaster, built to crash
But I still love to have you around

You're the one I want and it's not just a phase
and you're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time (it's only you and I)

It's you there when I close my eyes
And you in the morning
I never thought you'd still be mine
Or I'd really need to have you around

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I need you, you're my love supply

Don't go away
My love (you're my love supply)
I want you to stay
In my life (every day, every night)
Don't go away
My lover (you're my love supply)
I need you, you're my love supply

2008-05-10T14:04:00.005+08:00

It was all there is to it, how blind sighted I was. Even the times where I'm as innocent as a lil cherubim, I can never emerge victorious. The results repeat themselves. The lonesome, pitiful creature wailing and begging for mercy. Ah, the woes of not being able to express oneself eloquently. Ideas get misconstrued and frustration hits a skyhigh. I've never felt so misunderstood in such a long time.

Oh what I'd give to be able to go out for a drive, sit somewhere quiet and just let it all out, instead of having to control the torrents in my room. Funny how I had to turn to a good friend half the world away, and as always, she offered me encouragement and support. But that moment of positivity dissipated as slowly as it came, like a 2-tonne weight sinking lower and lower to the bottom of the sea.

I seem to have lost myself. I'm begging for things, when it wasn't even my wrongdoing in the first place. I don't know how, but the tables always turn around against me. I have no idea how it's done. So that's when the grovelling and the begging start. Why is it hard to see I need just a teeny bit more than before? My circumstances now are not what they used to be. The woes of longing and pining ...

Why can't we do things out of our own initiative and not be told to? It starts even as young students, our parents have to nag at us to do our homework, or to study. Innately, we should be aware what different roles entail being a student, a mother, a nurse, a girlfriend, a friend etc. I don't like being told what to do, that's for sure. Besides, I don't like telling people what to do either.

All in all, the one thing that stands in the way of most good things waiting to happen is, our own big fat sillyass prides.

<--Adele - Melt My Heart To Stone<--

2008-05-09T23:05:00.002+08:00

All this time while I was worrying about my knees, who would have thought my ankle would give up on me first?

2008-02-16T05:46:00.002+08:00

I had some thoughts in the shower just now. Yes, I actually do quite a bit of thinking while making myself clean ... Weird, but that's how it is.

Beauty or brains, just to sum it up. I just had to pen it down first, because I know once I go to bed and awake next, I would not be able to remember whatever I wanted to blog about.

So ... I shall continue, when I can. I felt I used to be able to write pretty well, but not so anymore. That's depressing.

Ah, I need sleep ...

2008-02-05T13:06:00.000+08:00

I know you've given all that you can give to me
I know there'll come a day I understand
Until then I'll be trying to solve your mystery
And wonder why I couldn't make you stay

Smiling through denial , my specialty
I thought that was a good thing for a while
You gave me all your secrets were you testing me?
How could I do anything but smile?

Re–enact your legendary tragedy
And do to me what has been done to you
Is that the only point to all this misery?
Is there any reason I should cry?

Heal – takes time
And you gave me all you had
I know in time I will believe
That I loved you
Did you love me?
Did you love me?

Heal – it takes time
And you gave me all you had
I know in time I will believe
That I loved you
You loved me
You loved me.

<--Lou Barlow - Legendary-->

2007-11-20T02:01:00.000+08:00

So my parents got a new flat over the weekend. I really hate the thought of leaving my current home. I will miss just about everything about it, from the kopitiam food, to NTUC, to the market, to bubble tea, to the Spa, to the Community Centre, to the park, to the peace and quiet ... not to mention the vast space here.

How are 8 people going to share 2 toilets? I reckon I won't be wrapping myself in my towel after my baths anymore, how could I? I guess I could - and scamper across the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, and finally to the privacy of my room. Oh wait, OUR room. I will still have to share a room with my sister.

I have lived on this street for 21 years. I love this street! I really really do. I thought if my parents bought another flat in Tampines or Simei, that won't be too bad. But ... Bedok? Imagine this when someone asks "Where do you stay?", and I will grunt "Bedok".

Bedok is such an old town, full of ageing people. Not to mention the overcrowded bus interchange and MRT station. Gosh, I feel so flustered and hot just thinking about it. I will sooo miss Simei MRT Station and Eastpoint. :( There are no shopping malls in Bedok at all!

Well, I just really hope there's space for my granny and my maids. *Sighs heavily*

Today, post-dinner conversation, my mom and I were just lamenting how we miss hearing Mama speak. I can remember how she sounds, and sometimes I wish so hard she could open her mouth and talk to us still and tell us stories of her life. I feel it a pity that I wasn't at an older age when she was still fit and healthy; because as a young kid, I was so naughty and I think I made her blood boil quite a bit.

Talking about Mama and the things she did, made us laugh, albeit filled with a tinge of sadness. Mama used to sneak me out of the house with her, and head to Katong to buy her 4D and Toto, but she got busted soon enough by my Aunt, ha! I think gambling runs in my family ...

Anyhow, my sis and I will always remember Mama's favourite phrase that she used to scold us with all the time ... "Bloody swine!"

2007-09-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

They say everyone has a purpose in life. It's almost a full 23 years of my life, and yet I still don't see the faintest clue as to what my purpose could be. Almost every pathetic aspect of my life is disappointing and depressing.

They say every family has its problems and its dysfuntions, hell yeah. But mine's also a bloody psycho family, with immense pretense and cover-ups. We're always pushing things under the carpet, with the grand facade that everything is fine and dandy. Bullshit. I don't know when my breaking point is, but I feel its increasing draw to the end. Money is not everything, but it's a lot of things. I wish I had money, so I don't have to put up with everyone's whims and fancies just because I'm living under your roof, or just because I'm the eldest child.

It's so ironic and amazing, how my family is so 'kantang', but their mentality is so bloody traditionally Chinese. Like I said; facade galore.

Have you ever had to share a room with a younger sibling? Who has a major attitude problem? That friends you know for 10 years, who have seen her 10 years ago, and now, say that she has the same attitude problem? So, imagine ... I've had to live with this all the time, plus the fact that every wrong thing the precious younger siblings commit? Tis my fault.

I don't know what to do. Here I am, having a job that has no basic pay, has no CPF, has no employee benefits, has no steady stream of income. I really don't know and can't recall what possessed me to accept this job out of the rest. I am doing something that I never even thought I'd ever do, and the worst part of it all ... I'm not really liking it.

There's just stress in every corner wherever I turn ... I'm so tired.

2007-08-28T01:37:00.000+08:00

Cruel in the kindest ways
The past strips me of sanity
Quietly the line of division progresses
Separation of something so whole
Yet the moments of desperation
Veil the happiness with immense wrong

2007-08-25T01:07:00.000+08:00

As the story goes on from here, I'm all but silent. Very much like stars in the night sky that twinkle oh so quietly. All I do is crumble and crawl back into my little hatch, where nobody sees me but I can see them. So from this hiding place, I lash out and aggress. That's my defence, and by doing so, I feel safe from harm.

As the story ends, I manage to ease my vibrating emotions and put them to rest.

"And whenever I fall at your feet
Do you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain"

-->James Blunt - Fall At Your Feet (Acoustic)<--

2007-07-05T00:20:00.000+08:00

I am back. And instead of feeling rejuvenated, I feel so heavy-hearted. It really wasn't what I expected at all. Being there made me miss Thailand so much, that I reckon I would still make my way down in August although my parents fear it'll be chaotic due to the coming elections.

The first night we touched down in Bali, I felt a sense of foreboding, almost like a black shroud enveloping my very much anticipated vacation. There was a dark aura all around with so much negative vibes.

When we arrived at the resort, it looked really pretty, so I thought I was just being paranoid and everything would turn out just great. But lo and behold, the same wary in me very soon returned en route to our rooms. That night, I could not sleep at all. Every time I shut my eyes I would see black figures flying around. Alana likes to sleep with sound and lights, but I like to sleep in quiet and darkness. But I actually relented to leaving the lights on, and even turned the TV on, making it voluble before I could finally doze off in and out of sleep. Ever so often I would awake to check if Alana was still in the next bed. Doesn't take much to guess that I bugged her every night after and squeezed onto her tiny single bed. Still I didn't sleep well, but it was definitely better than the first night.

It felt so dark for me, being there. Dark in every sense of the word. In terms of lighting and spiritually. I'm not a good Christian but I tend to get sensitive about these things. I probably had a dark cloud hovering above my head the entire trip. I experienced a very awful transgression to my mean, impatient and hot-tempered doppel-ganger.

It was supposed to be a fabulous long-awaited holiday, rest and relaxation in tow, with a beautiful beach and gorgeous sun, partying and drinking. But somehow it didn't really turn out that way. Of course there were fun times, like ping-pong with the girls, pretending to drown in the pool, and boogie-boarding.

Most of the trip, I felt tension, I felt segregation. And within me, I recognised my lack of patience and my old, dormant friend - my flaring temper. Because I was feeling like that a good percentage of the trip, it just propelled further negativity inside of me. I felt like such a mean and ugly person. I didn't really wanna be touched or talked to. I drank by myself (thanks Alana for trying to keep up with my drinking), smoked by myself and I would just stare into space and let my thoughts grow tiny legs and run amok. Three quarters of the time I don't know what we're doing or where we're going or what's going on. I'm emotionally drained. I don't know why I was constantly tired the past 5 days, which would mean I'm physically drained as well. Funny isn't it, when I didn't do much but to be hot-tempered.

All of my friends are patient people, they're good people. That's why they put up with me. I'm not patient enough, I can't even sit down and complete a wordsearch puzzle. I can't imagine driving in the traffic in Bali. I can't imagine not having some peace and quiet now and then. Despite everything, I can't imagine not having these friends.

"Bang
I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm mad
Like a big dog
Bang, Bang, Bang
I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm mad
Like a big dog yeah"

-->Damien Rice - Me, My Yoke And I<--

2007-06-29T15:08:00.000+08:00

Bali, here I come! I hope the sun's shining bright and hot! Haven't had any sun ever since I started this job. Also, during this trip, I have to do some thinking about my career, and future. This is a long-awaited trip, and I believe it'll be a great vacation.

Till next week. :)

-->Bellissimo - Ilya<--

2007-06-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

It's almost been a month since I started work. Doesn't seem like it of course, since I've been doing what I do best - skive. I have a serious lack of discipline and drive, it's starting to worry me tremendously now. But we'll deal with that when I get back from Bali next Wednesday. I can't wait for this trip, with my girls, and Nitin, ha.

On other notes, I had quite an eventful weekend. I made it to Bornfire this year at the Esplanade. I'm so proud of my friends who made it happen for the first time last year, and again last weekend. They, The Fireflys have come so far, and I'm so proud of them. I promised May I would be there this year since I missed the 1st Bornfire last year. It was beautiful, all these wonderful fire-twirlers from around the world. I'd never seen such grace and elegance, especially from males, playing and dancing with fire.

It seemed that my 'hippie life' was resuscitated last weekend. I haven't seen my friends twirl in a very, very long time. And I finally did on Friday night. We used to have drum circles at sunsets at the beaches and under bridges. The twirler friends would light up and twirl those bright torches of flames while we, the drummers would make music to dancing flames in the setting sun and impending night. So, I actually touched my djembe again last Sunday, after at least a year and half of absence. Even though it was only 3 of us from the old group at the beach, it still felt good somehow. I miss old times.

"Funny how things just tasted better
When we were young
Funny how things just seemed so easy
When we were young"

-->Dolores O'Riordan - When We Were Young<--

2007-06-12T00:56:00.000+08:00

Doorways of freedom
Freedom of expression
Expression of love
These, I adore

Sold to demands
Demands to controls
Controls to rebellions
These, I detest

Credits and merits
Merits and positives
Positives and hopes
These, I yearn

Glad but mellow
Mellow but faithful
Faithful but doubtful
These, I fear

-->Red Hot Chili Peppers - Higher Ground<--

2006-11-20T00:23:00.000+08:00

Fish swim with bootless labour against the tides all the time. I want to be able to swim against mine too, while preserving myself.

"And these thoughtless words, are breaking my heart ... "

-->Jewel - Foolish Games<--

2006-11-17T01:04:00.000+08:00

Where did I disappear to? Can't seem to find myself, just feels like I'm falling deeper into that bottomless pit of wretchedness. What a terrible reflection when I glance into the mirror, it's a monstrosity. What a regressive relationship.

I fought for this for the longest time, and I've finally caved in. Did I imagine you?

Full of effort I forced my lids
As I focused on you
Stranger, you sat down gently
You made us sway
So we ascended steadily
I felt your wandering gaze
I turned around and you just smiled
Twas all it took

Were you fallen
We're falling deep with ease
We watched the colours fly us by
I was hypnotised
The purple night sky littered with stars
And time crawled by

Right at the top the cool breeze blew
You looked straight in my eyes
Our fingers laced up we held on tight
Stranger, feel my heart
Clockwise the ferris wheel turned
Helplessly we went south
Valid only for one ride
Said the ticket man

Were you fallen
We're falling deep with ease
We watched the colours fly us by
I was hypnotised
The purple night sky littered with stars
And time crawled by

It jerked, disturbed
I awoke in an instant
Cold and alone
Did I imagine you

-->Sheryl - The Ferris Wheel Ride<--

2006-10-02T15:43:00.000+08:00

I don't want to disbelieve
Believe in every imperfection
Perfect the art of mistrust
Trust the lies of the misbehaved
Behave, our dysfunctional directions
Misdirect the paths of unhappiness
Happy as lives will disintegrate
Integrate these eight lines gracefully
Ungraceful this ninth line will be ...

2006-09-30T03:31:00.000+08:00

I have to understand and remember that everyone is different. I cannot expect them to think like I do, or to perform certain things the way I would. I would go that far for someone whom I've claimed to love, and I would definitely do my utmost to appease that person, and to make that person happy.

And because I never fail to put myself in their shoes, and think of how I would handle certain situations, I end up expecting people to treat me the same way I would. That is detrimental to my heart and soul. My expectations of people are just way too high to be met.

Consequently, who else but me, will be the one sulking in desperate disappointment in the little dark corner in the room.

Back to life, back to the day we have
Let's end this foolish game
Hear me out don't let me waste away
Make up your mind so
I know where I stand

-->Soul II Soul - Back To Life<--

2006-09-18T12:23:00.000+08:00

A fatal error has occurred
Misguided fool who scavenges.
A completely defunct bond
Paranoid nit who disbelieves.
Things that have been laid out flat
Now rise to bend, twist and turn.
An absolute loss of control
Frantic victim who struggles
An immense ricochet of stings
Anguished survivor who stumbles.

-->The Format - A Save Situation<--

2006-08-12T05:23:00.000+08:00

I should be in bed, nursing my ever-throbbing head. This headache the size of China has been a pain in the ass since I got back to Singapore ... Why does it always hurt? Probably some side effect of being back on this tiny suffocating island. I want to lie down and close my eyes, and dream away ... Dreaming happy and melodious things. But I just can't go to bed. I keep thinking, my mind keeps working, and my brain keeps breathing. Breathing thoughts of this and that. I'm producing emotions that are fearful, or emotions that are thankful.

I want you. And I want you so bad. Why do things never turn out the way we want them to? Life's hard, in its ways, in our living of it. If it wasn't a hard life, it wouldn't be a life well-led. I just want to be happy, to be wanted, to be remembered, to be concerned about, to be loved ... Is that so hard for me and for everyone else out there too?

Oh my lovely alcohol, my best friend. You keep me sane. You make me numb.

-->Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield<--

2006-08-10T03:13:00.000+08:00

I think I found the drug of my choice. This drug is far far from here, but this drug will save me from myself.

-->Sade - King Of Sorrow<--

2006-08-06T23:25:00.000+08:00

What does it feel like to be loved? And to love equally? How does it feel to be treated right and good, to be trusted and respected? What constitutes a wonderful and blissful relationship? I don't know, and I can't remember how it is ...

-->Alanis Morissette - I Was Hoping (acoustic)<--

2006-07-24T20:09:00.000+08:00

Whatever happened to fairytale romances? Oh right, they only occur in *drumrolls* fairytales. "And they lived happily ever after", or so they say.

Why do most of us suffer from the absence of an almost perfect fairytale romance? Is the world so full of lies, mistrust, polygamy and more lies that the all-powerful LOVE can't even overcome and triumph? After all, they do say "love conquers all", don't they? But hell no, don't let your naivete get the better of you. There are so many ingredients needed to keep a partnership brewing well. Sometimes (most of the time?) it gets so tiring that don't we just wish we weren't such social creatures? Such suckers for love, attention, care and affection. God just had to preach LOVE, didn't He?

A barrage of questions, a lack of answers. And solutions, unfortunately.

Why do people stay together? What keeps these couples going?

Define the upturned triangle
For shapes no longer keep sight
With shifts and growth inside out
We change as fast as light.
Blank, empty, white and black
What does one actually see
Worry, fear and disappointment
Please stop mocking me.

-->The Cranberries - Animal Instinct<--

2006-07-22T05:33:00.000+08:00

I loved watching the Blacks dance to R&B/Hip Hop, and freestyle rap for me when we just sat down for drinks and to talk. It's so innate in them, the music and the rhythm. I mean, my 2 year old niece, Nailah ... she was playing on my bed and I started to play some R&B on my iPod speakers, she got so excited and started shaking her bumbum to the music. I am so serious. And my Singaporean friends say I'm a Black trapped in a Chinese body; my White friends think that I'm Black, even my Black friends say that I'm one of their 'homies' and I'm just a fair-skinned one. :)

Some photos that I have now ... can't access the rest since I don't have my iPod cable.

This White of mine looks darn good in her ghetto pose.

So that's us with our ghetto looks.

Farewell with my colleagues from Area 3, Cedar Point Games. Bootie call!

We refused to leave the bar, and made such a scene on the dancefloor.

Small Area to work in, but we became so close-knit.

My 2 nieces in Toronto. What do you call half-Chinese half-Blacks, if half-Chinese half-Indians are Chindians? Chacks???

This is my best friend in Cedar Point, she's Bulgarian. I miss you my dear Shibena Kutchka. Ker de si?!

Hangin' round downtown by myself
And I had so much time
To sit and think about myself
And then there she was
Like double cherry pie
Yeah there she was
Like disco superfly
I smell sex and candy here

-->Marcy Playground - Sex and Candy<--

2006-07-20T08:48:00.000+08:00

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

2006-07-20T03:50:00.000+08:00

For you, the straight-nympho-pothead:

Parting the cracks of time, looking in, realising that these gaps can be filled.
With tips of things that flash and blink, then all is lifted and the beautiful time we've awaited for will arrive.
We'll watch through those cracks with joy seeping through leakages along our inner beings.
A gliding path of growing love, so abundant of faith, want and misery too.
The ocean is massive, but the lands will merge and grow as one, just like our hearts.
The shrinking world bridges a once thought improbable companionship.
And till spring, both shall overcome with proud faces, each to call the other, "mine".

-->Ace of Base - It's A Beautiful Life<--

2006-07-12T02:03:00.000+08:00

I dreaded coming to the States. I remember that, and I am sure my friends remember how I didn't wanna leave too. But I am so glad I did, although the first 2 weeks or so were hell here. We all need time to adjust to change, and to adapt. I have done so the past month, and now I have to leave this place. That makes me sad. It's frustrating how life and time move so fast. I met great people over here, and it is a pity that I only had a few weeks to be with them and to hang out with them. Maybe I'll come back again for the fourth time ... Just maybe ...

Anyhow, I am also disappointed that I'll miss Wendy. I didn't know you were going back to Singapore girl! And I'll only be home after you leave for Melbourne, damn. I'm sorry I'm not there for you in person. Everything really happens for a reason. Be happy :)

-->Rihanna - Unfaithful<--

2006-06-28T03:17:00.000+08:00

Hey hey hey, yes I am still alive, hurrah!

Anyhow, just one of the biggest things that have happened to me here. I encountered a snatch thief, in Cleveland.

I was vigilant enough to notice this big black guy following us suddenly, so I held on to my bag tightly, and slowed down, waiting for him to pass us. But the next time I turned around, he was lumbering towards me and snatched my bag from behind, of course I still held on tight, and then he broke my strap and the bag fell to the floor. I grabbed his shirt while he reached for my bag, and he punched me in the shoulder. So my female friend and I chased him for 4 blocks, and managed to get him to leave other things ... he took all my cash and my friend's cell. It's a good thing we weren't hurt. I think even if he had a knife or something I would have still given chase. Can you imagine what my parents would say if I had lost everything? Bah. That was what was running through my head "sure get scolding!"
A good thing we weren't hurt.

More updates soon people. :)

2006-05-09T09:09:00.000+08:00

I miss you guys. And I am so miserable here. I can't even bear to go into details. I have no energy to explain ... Just know that I wish I was home.

2006-05-04T19:57:00.000+08:00

Farewell my dears ... I will miss my home, my family and my friends. Yes, all of you. :)

Await my return, yes?

2006-05-02T14:52:00.000+08:00

I am officially deliriously crazy. Psychosis comes the bitch's way.

I plead insanity.

2006-05-02T02:44:00.000+08:00

Lonely nights beckon me forward
Soon when I leave this place
Engulfed by faraway sweet words
I eagerly await your ways
Expelled to the deepest crevices
With spirits in the darkest tunnels
All I'll have of you are misses
And when I'm gone, your life just marvels

2006-05-01T13:29:00.000+08:00

And so the dreadful countdown begins ... just 3 more days.

2006-04-27T03:04:00.001+08:00

So the weariness of my ever famous mode of 59th-minute-of-the-11th-hour mugging has rained its dire consequences on me. Can't seem to stay awake once the sun sets, and that is bad because that is the time when I open my textbooks to read. I'm not a coffee drinker, but I have had to rely on it the past 2 nights. However, it does not seem to be working for me tonight. Everything just ain't well tonight. Wanted to speed through watching my webcast lectures, was doing fine for the 1st one, doubling the speed so I could get them done in half the time, but the NUS server always has problems! And all of a sudden, I could only watch the lectures at their original speed - TOO SLOW. So I gave up.

Don't even have time to read through my lecture notes, so I don't know how I'm gonna prepare my cheat sheet. I'm pretty sure it won't make a difference for me tomorrow. And yes yes, I should stop ranting and get cracking. *scowls*

-->Wyclef Jean ft. Shakira - Hips Don't Lie<--

2006-04-20T21:06:00.000+08:00

There's big happiness that has long-term effects, and small teeny weeny ones that brighten up your days.

Today I saw someone buy something for her friend, and I thought the gesture was nice and sweet, (well, the item was pretty too). Then I realised that it's been quite some time since I received a gift. Well, I'm not talking about those nicely-packaged presents in boxes with ribbons and bows given on a particular day (e.g. birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's etc). Just simple things that are bought when people think of me, or think/know that I like something. Although I must admit that I'm not much of a present-giver, and I'm really bad at choosing gifts and buying stuff for someone. But I do try!

Receiving a small lil gift out of the blue can really make a difference. It's like a form of affirmation that someone actually cares, remembers, and thinks of you. I used to receive small lil presents pretty often from someone, and everytime I got something - small or big, cheap or expensive; it totally made me smile. I miss those lil happy surprises. Well, at least there was a point in time when someone actually cared and bothered. :)

There's this Love Language Test, and I'm sure if I take it, my mode of showing my affection will definitely not be that of giving gifts. I show my affection in other ways, probably through 'physical touch' and 'words of affirmation'. But then again, I love to receive presents. Haha, c'mon ... don't we all?

And I have a new favourite song for the moment, pretty catchy dumdidadidums ...

Just tell me what you've got to say to me,
I've been waiting for so long to hear the truth,
It comes as no surprise at all you see,
So cut the crap and tell me that we're through.

Now I know your heart, I know your mind,
You don't even know you're being unkind,
So much for all your highbrow Marxist ways,
Just use me up and then you walk away,
Boy you can't play me that way.

Well I guess what you say is true,
I could never be the right kind of girl for you,
I could never be your woman.

When I saw my best friend yesterday,
She said she never liked you from the start,
Well me, I wish that I could claim the same,
But you always knew you held my heart.
And you're such a charming handsome man,
Now I think I finally understand,
Is it in your genes?, I don't know,
But I'll soon find out, that's for sure,
Why did you play me this way?

Well I guess what you say is true,
I could never be the right kind of girl for you,
I could never be your woman.

Well I guess what they say is true,
I could never spend my life with a man like you,
I could never be your woman.

-->White Town - Your Woman<--

2006-04-17T14:22:00.000+08:00

I am supposed to be in the midst of yanking my hair out, trying to churn out a stupidly nauseating report for my experiment in "Laboratory for Cognitive Psychology" - Phonology and Orthography in a Letter Search Task. That's right my dears, puke your guts out. For me, at least ... Be sympathetic. You all know how bad I suck at Statistics. Bleargh.

Anyhow, got into bed pretty late last night, was so tired but my body and mind just refused to rest. And just when the eyelids were getting heavy, the body was relaxing, a sudden realisation hit me that I only have 2 weeks left here. So just like that, I was jolted awake and could not get drowsy for quite a while again. I thought of all the things and comfort that I would be leaving behind for 4 months; about my wonderful bed and Orangie (so I snuggled by myself with my bed and Orangie even more); my clean and non-public toilet; my 24/7 internet accessible IBM; my constant stock of junk food in the cabinets and freezer. And the most important thing that I won't be seeing for quite a period - my family and friends. It just gets even worse when I don't really have that much time these last 2 weeks. Why? Cos of the cursed exams, that's why.

It's an amazing phenomenon, what I experienced last night in bed. How in the world does someone get so homesick, even before she's away from home?!

-->Radiohead & PJ Harvey - This Mess We're In<--

2006-04-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

We try; that is what we do a great big deal in our lives. All the time.

People try to forgive, that I do fairly well.
People try to forget, that I can't really do.
People try to smile, fake big ones I always have.
People try to be happy, but I end up being sad more.
People try to give good, and pain is what's returned to me.
People try to move forward, but I'm always blocked by another's shadow in front.
People try to walk away, but I find myself shamelessly crawling back.

We try, I try ... but I guess sometimes I don't try hard enough. Do you? Do you even try at all.

-->Madonna - Frozen<--

2006-04-08T04:50:00.000+08:00

The mind is a very wonderful, and powerful tool. It holds many distant memories of good times, and I know it won't let go of them anytime soon. I don't need the presence of the people that created those wonderfully glorious memories, all I know is that the gorgeous memories have been embedded in my mind. Sometimes things will never revert to what they were, and memories are all we have to remind us of the good times, and that will be what I hold dear to my heart. A person can only be stretched this far, and anything beyond that is unthinkable ...

Goodbye cruel world, and hello all things happy and nice.

-->PJ Harvey - A Place Called Home<--

2006-04-02T12:21:00.000+08:00

And so my belief about life has been reinforced. Everything happens for a reason indeed. There was a reason why I could not withdraw my Work and Travel USA programme and had to go along with it. Then at that point in time, the reason was unknown. But this fine Sunday morning, being awoken by a very rude and immature SMS, the reason came to light.

A friend sms'ed me a few days ago, asking me if I thought he was too nice as he felt that nice people always lose in the race to the 'bad' ones, and that nice people always get taken advantage of. I said, yeah, he is nice, but people who are truly nice are the way they are without expecting anything in return from the rest, for they are only being true to themselves by being nice. Now let me tell you this. This day, on the 2nd of April, 2006, I retract what I said to him. People who are nice DO get taken advantaged of - they get made used of, they get lied to, they get treated like rotten dirty panties and get cast aside after use. Just like that, with a snap of your fingers. And I say, people who are nice are being plain stupid.

I want to be mad, I want to be frustrated, filled with rage so that it will be easier for me. But those angry emotions are not within my grasp ... All that is enveloping me are immense hurt, and utmost disappointment.

Today, someone very close to me betrayed me. She made me walk the plank with no room for consideration.

This very day, I lost a very good friend.

Leave the body, leave the mind
Leave the body, leave the mind
Every promise every place behind

I just happend to feel so alone
for today for all days to come
I just wanna be wanna be gone
I just wanna be wanna be gone

Leave the quiet, leave the night
Leave the quiet, leave the night
Broken feelings of dreams out of sight

Pictures in your head at night
For tonight for all nights to come
Erased for good and always gone
Erased for good and always gone

Leave the city, leave the cold
Leave the city, leave the cold
Young people far too old

Let me cross a very fine line
for today for a lifetime
For today for a lifetime

Leave the body, leave the mind
Let me
Leave the body, leave the mind
Every promise every place behind

I just happend to feel so alone
for today for all days to come
for today for all days to come
I just wanna be wanna be gone

-->Anna Ternheim - To Be Gone<--

2006-03-28T14:04:00.000+08:00

'cos I'm leaving on a jet plane ...
And I'm never coming back again!

Ha, nah ... I'm just kidding. Or am I not?

2006-03-20T23:58:00.000+08:00

And this I think ...

When I am there, I want to go back.
But when I am home, I want to go there.

Time is a continuous effect, as it inevitably tick-tocks away, all things change. People grow older, and perhaps even wiser (I most certainly hope!). Rifts are formed. People drift towards, or away from each other. If only we all had an in-built mechanism within our biological system that enables us to deal and handle with change perfectly.

Humans are social creatures, are we not? Thus the need to feel wanted and loved, comes naturally for most of us, no?

"Dreaming comes so easily
cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man, who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back"

-->Plumb - Damaged<--

2006-02-24T00:30:00.000+08:00

I do not know why there is a constant air of tension and depression in my home. Even though I share a room with my sister, we don't talk anymore. Rather, she'll be snapping at me. Mind you, my sister is 4 years YOUNGER than I am. Teenage angst - as I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt. She used to tell me things, stuff that happened to her and her friends yadda yadda, but now, she just snaps when I try to talk to her. Like a red snapper (e.g. "What LAH!!?")

So I used to be close to my brother, albeit he's 8 years younger than I am ... Used to bring him on my runs; play basketball together; bring him for movies and talk about sports and music. Now? I hardly even get to see his face. The reason being not because I'm not at home often, it merely is because a) he sits himself right in front of the computer when he gets home, b) he sits himself right in front of the TV if my sis is hogging the computer, c) he locks himself in his room with his radio blasting. I suppose yeah, he's growing up, probably feels weird hanging out with his elder sister. (Again, benefit of the doubt)

Parents. I hardly hold proper conversations with them these days, because they mostly end in exasperation felt by both parties. My father, he's in and out and in and out of the house; my mother, she's stuck on her bed watching TV the whole night after coming home late from work. What about weekends, you think. Ah ... They are out of the house by the time I'm awake. It just gets tougher talking to them now, all they want to touch on is my future, why do I do this, why do I want to do that, why do I waste money (I assure you firmly, that I do NOT waste money. I love money!), why do I not start looking for a job bobloblah.

It isn't as if I am totally nonchalant about those factors. Of course I worry about my future, the ever-so-bleak future. But I'm a natural escapist, never liked to confront issues and to face the music. I run, metaphorically of course ... I mean, wouldn't want to cause Singapore to experience a little tremors. I am one who would rather take things a step at a time, live day by day and to play by ear. I cannot afford to worry about tomorrow and the day after, because the worry of today has not dissipated. Not to mention the regrets and sorrow of yesterdays ...

This might be by far the instance of me feeling so lost ever in my short 21.5 years of life. I need an anchor to make me grounded. I need, I need, I need ... So many things. My physical body is degenerating, my emotional self is jaded, my intellectual side has been stretched, my spiritual aspect has dwindled and waned.

Sounds like I'm in dire need for some uplifting to be done ...

-->The Cranberries - Disappointment<--

2006-01-27T17:29:00.000+08:00

I guess I'm going after all. It's just way too late to turn in the other direction to run. Somehow, my heart weighs a tonne, the disappointment of finding out that I have to go is immense. I prayed for help, I prayed for a sign; the sign came. I s'ppose it's meant to be that I go.

It's almost February, and it'll be a mere 2 more months before I will be gone for 3-4 months. I never liked dealing with change. There are so many things that I will be letting go of when I leave, and I'm afraid that when I get back, I no longer fit in with what I have in my life right now. All I can do now is pray for the best, and to hope that my spirits be uplifted.

Now, my first Fri night without my girls in a long time - I shall mope by myself at home, with my external HDD.

Everything happens for a reason, I know they do. However, if it's so ... Why do I feel so sad?

-->Sting - Englishman In New York<--

2006-01-20T03:02:00.000+08:00

You know what they say about Librans being the Scales and all, weighing everything so carefully before any decision-making that it's actually a hindrance? Indecisiveness. I have a constant question popping about in my head, and it's driving me insane.

Should I go? Should I stay?

The incessant buzz in my head is a permanent background music I hear nowadays. Yes, soon I would not need my iPod anymore! Evaluating each side of the scale, the pros and the cons ... Can't seem to reach a consensus. It is definitely tiring being a 'balanced' Libran. When I seem to have reached a decision of not going, many bubbles of reasons for me to go appear immediately, and the reasons for not going seem to dissipate in anxious rush. And vice versa!

Oh Lord, I pray for help.

-->Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield<--

2006-01-13T18:23:00.000+08:00

That strange pain before
Dreams just plummet
The old direction to soar
Is now but dreaded
Stretched more than yours
My cognition remains stale
These putrid brown cores
Repels all our details
For that, everything's but a tale.

2006-01-08T15:13:00.000+08:00

An almost inaccessible entity, a flawed perfection; it is what it is. Temptation is but the rope in a game of Tug-of-War. I am very tempted to skip school as much as I can this semester. Oh wait, that's just being ME. It'll be my first day at school tomorrow, after a month and half long of holidays (which actually feel much longer than the 3.5mth summer holidays I had).

As per usual, many things I ponder upon, many issues I contemplate, many situations I visualise ... But they're all in my head. I'm not a writer. Perhaps I am ... I could be one, really. Just a simple writer with perpetual writer's block - that be me.

Good 2006 to you all ... Hope it brings you many smiles :)

-->Time After Time - Everything But The Girl<--

2005-11-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

I am in dire need for peace and quiet. No. I BEG for peace and quiet.

Today, I pushed murderous thoughts out of my mind. I think there were a total of 3 during the past 8 hrs that I have been awake.

I repent. Just give me my peace and quiet.

-->My Morning Jacket - Knot Comes Loose<--

2005-11-24T03:15:00.000+08:00

Yes, it might seem utterly strange that here I am, blogging in the midst of my finals, at the ungodly hour of 3.15am; when I could have blogged when I had more time on my hands. Well, it's a moment of peace that I have finally attained today - my granny has finally ceased shouting, screaming, yelling and over-exerting her larynx. I want this to remind me in the future, of how horrid this period of exams has been for me.

It's amazing how my neighbours seem to have something against me, and they do it in the most natural manner of sorts. Last semester's finals, my very next-door neighbour endeavoured in a 2.5mth long renovation (I swear I dreaded sleeping, knowing I'll be rudely awaken by the eardrum-bursting high decibels of noise). And now, my neighbour right above me is doing the exact same thing. This one, I'm really puzzled, because they seem to be ALWAYS drilling and knocking and renovating! Is there really so much home improvement that they can perform? Well so, in the day I have to deal with the noise, in the nights I have to deal with my gramps. Yes yes, you all will ask me to "go somewhere else to study", "get out of the house", but hey ... I've been really sleep-depriveed, fraught with terrible onsets of tension headaches, nausea and highly possible bouts of migraines too. My bedroom is no longer a sanctuary which I can slip into.

This noise has not bugged me for the past weeks only, I mean, people in this household have put up with my granny's incessant screaming for years. And I mean at least 5 years. My friends claim that it's a wonder I'm not insane yet. Soon, I assure you. At times, while I'm on Skype with my bedroom door shut, Lana can hear my granny really loudly - I dunno if there's a confound with my IBM laptop mic being REALLY good or what. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy. Like her shouting just (Oh My Gawd, She Just Started Again!) ignites a lot of anger, annoyance, irritation and frustration. It's hard to describe.

A form of coping that I'm familiar with is food therapy. I swear I have been pigging out so much I can't wait for my exams to end. I will lapse back into my Muay Thai and badminton once more. My love handles are spilling over from the sides tremendously it hurts to do warm-ups and stretching to the sides. Everything has turned to blubberised lard. I get depressed when I see myself in the mirror, and then to battle my depression I stuff my face even more ... What a horrid vicious cycle. I need deliverance from this.

So I'll be sitting for my Logic paper in less than 6hrs, the bed is frantically luring me to it and soon I will be but a dead log. This semester is the worst by far. Conveniently absenting myself from lectures, tutorials, producing last minute slipshod midterm essays ... and not to mention, cramming and mugging the night/morning before my papers. Sigh, having FOUR papers consecutively is no joke.

Initially, I had a teeny weeny amount of hope that I would be able to pull my CAP up by that mere 0.07 to qualify for Honours, but after seeing how I've been this semester and after sitting for those dreadful papers, abandonment of hope is inevitable. I shall psyche myself up to graduate in one more semester.

Philosophical ideas are
Mirages in the desert.
Occasional sandstorms churn
And puncture mental bubbles.
Like sand dunes so formed,
Thoughts disperse as easily.

-->Tori Amos - Lovesong (acoustic)<--

2005-10-10T03:08:00.000+08:00

This was the first song I learnt how to play on the guitar and to croak along with ...(And how did I actually manage to serenade someone with it, gee!) Anyways, that was about 7 years ago. And today, I'm still so in love with it. But I betcha you all like this song too, no?? So there's just something about the entire simplicity of the song, and the cold hard truth that the lyrics bear that somehow draw me in. Bizarre, I say.

FRENTE! - BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE

Everytime I think of you
I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living the life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself that if I hurt someone else
Then I'd never see just what we're meant to be

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You say the words that I can't say

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You say the words that I can't say ...

2005-10-02T21:37:00.000+08:00

It's time for you people to buy your lottery tickets! My 2nd entry in a span of 3 days. Exciting or what?!

For a moment, I sat staring at my screen, cracking my brain as to what I wanted to blog about. My memory (or rather, lack thereof) has been underperforming of late. My Aunt can be giving me instructions to do something, and I'll go "Yeah okay" then walk away to do whatever she told me to. After 4 steps, I'll turn back to her and go "What did you say ah?" Now, forgetting what I wanted to blog about initially is another perfect example.

Familiarity. Ah yes, that was what I wanted to talk about.

Headed to Wala's last night to catch The UnXpected after a 3.5 mth long hiatus. Tis always the case. When Wendy is here, I'll be there with her and our friends almost every week, be it a Thursday, or a Saturday, or both! And when she goes back to Melbourne, we hardly go down to Wala's. Wen's like the pivot for our Wala's outings. Twas my first time there without Wen and gang. It was packed to the brim, and my friends and I were forced to retreat to the furthest end of the bar in a little corner. Any possible view of Shirlyn and the band was blocked by heads, pillars, and more heads.

It was an almost surreal feeling - sitting there, sipping my Hoegaardens with a totally different group of friends. Tired as I was, that didn't stop me from enjoying myself tremendously last night. And I reckon that's where familiarity comes in. Been there so often before that I just felt comfortably at ease at that place. Just watching the band stepping up on stage invariably brought a smile to my face. Hearing the familiar rockerchick voice just stretched the smile wider. Am just hopping my friends didn't notice me smiling away to myself like a kuku. The sense of familiarity ensured that I was to be comfortable at Wala. Familiarity from being at Wala's so many times before, and familiarity of the friends I was with. Thanks for the fun evening girls :)

It's probably the same as to why I'm at Color every Friday night with the girls, and how we used to be at Harry's Boat Quay every Friday night before that.

The same thing can be applied to emotions. We get so comfortable and attached to someone we feel for, and spend a lot of time with because of the attachment. With familiarity comes attachment. What I am purpotedly trying to say is that familiarity and attachment brings about feelings of ease, happiness and comfortability. We slip into comfort zones. So comfortable that you don't want to crawl out.

So natural it is to feel belonged to a place or a person, that it is so very difficult to be nudged away.

"Cover me, when I walk alone,
Cover me, when my stance it stumbles home ... "

-->Candlebox - Cover Me (acoustic)<--

2005-09-30T01:52:00.000+08:00

*Warning*

Many thoughts bustling around in my little brain, so I s'ppose this post will be very much disjointed.

I reckon I'm the one person who lacks the most motivation with regards to academia. Nobody I know, and I mean NO ONE within my circle of friends comes close to being that nonchalant about school like me. I can be seen as the epitome of a slacker, it's true. It's a wonder, no, it's a miracle how I managed to pull through the major exams in my life. And now, down to my final year in varsity, I am still the same old me. A leopard doesn't change its spots, does it? Why do I lack the much needed motivation? For the O'levels - I just wanted to get into a JC; for the A'levels - I just wanted to get into NUS; and now - I just want to graduate. Maybe the motivation to be so unmotivated is too intense to be overcome at all.

You know how we take to heart what the ones whom we love dearly say about/to us? How those things uttered by the ones so dear to us mean so much, especially negative things? I want to undo that. I don't want to let all that affect me, but it is seemingly impossible. Thinking about those words and phrases lashed out at me even in times of anger (everyone knows people say the stupidest things when they're furious), creates an onset of melancholia. And if it goes deeper than that, it morphs into a sweeping wave of slight depression. These attacks at my individual anatomy should not even be give two hoots about. But why do they affect me so? Because what is thought of you by people you love and care about matter tremendously. I just wish it worked the same way with positive feedback. Bizarre how I (or maybe, you too) shrug away the nice things mentioned, but hang on so tightly to the bad things. Totally focusing on the wrong end of the spectrum. We should not allow ourselves to be victims to what other people think or say of us. And I will strive to live by that. I like this transition of now knowing what to filter in and out, somehow makes me feel much happier and more in control. I said in my last post that I have lost myself, and now it's a bid to find myself again.

"I am ready to be healed. I am willing to forgive. All is well." That is what's written on one side of a motivational card I drew from a Tarot Card reading in Brisbane. I think that's very possible, for me to be healed and to forgive. That's the way I am, a very forgiving person. In whichever way I've been hurt, I'm looking forward to the day when I'll be okay once more. Oh forgiveness will come as well, surely, but to forget is another. Everyone always say to "forgive and forget", I think that's virtually improbable. The workings of the memory is such, you can't forget things merely like that, well ... Unless you're really good at repressing bad memories. I have not forgotten the wrongdoings some have done upon me, but I sure as hell have forgiven these people. But hey, please don't take this as a passport to unleash more wrongdoings on me ya?

There are 3 major loves in my life - Books, music and sports. They whisper to me that they've been neglected ... I hope to indulge myself in them once again.

And it's bloody accurate saying that "All good things come to an end". Feel sad, yeah, but for a while ... Mope for that little while then snap out of it. At least there are good memories that won't fail to bring warm, fuzzy feelings to your inner being.

Enough of rambling for tonight.

"Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and I think of you,
Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new.
Flashbacks, warm nights, almost left behind,
Suitcase of memories, time after
Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead.
You're calling to me, I can't hear what you said

Then you say go slow, I fall behind.
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey,
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm okay.
Secrets stolen from deep inside,
The drum beats out of time ... "

-->Eva Cassidy - Time After Time (acoustic)<--

2005-09-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

It is as though I am in constant pain. Pain in the broadest sense, pain in all senses in fact, and all aspects. Wherever I turn away from grief, I find grief staring right back at me all over again. A mockery, that's what it is. A helpless being like me, simply has no idea what to do to free herself from the clutches of pain. A friend said that I seem to be in a 'perpetual wreck'. Damn right you are.

Life's not a bed of roses, hell yeah. It seems more like a bed of thorns. Everyone knows that things will change, so we should be prepared for things to change for the worse and/or anticipate things to become better. After all, what's so down has no other direction to go but up, and vice versa. I hope the bed of thorns change soon.

The body is but a tangible breakable thing, it can only take that much. Beyond that threshold for bruises, it's done. The heart (not the organ itself), on the other hand, is an intangible entity. Oh but how breakable it can be. Bruised and battered, it cannot endure the intense, searing pain. The realisation that all was for naught.

I wish the tranquility and serenity I felt on Saturday night lasted. The semi-high state after consumption of alcohol, the soothing waves washing over shore, the sparkling stars that seem to tell me everything's gonna be alright, lying on the soft sand without a care in the world ... A pity it lasted for a very brief moment. A great pity. Oh how much I'd give to be the old me. To be the not nice person, to be the fiesty me again. To be the strong me.

Funny how we think we know someone, because we've been friends for years, and because we've been close friends even and then sometimes we find out things about them that are so unlike what we were predisposed to. Are you not taken aback? When you see such an ugly side of somebody close to you, somebody you love? I'm sure my good friends feel appalled when they see the ugly side of me. I'm sorry if I scared you earlier tonight, Lay. I guess you realised I'm not as strong as you all thought I was.

The duality of human nature is a delicate balance that is consistently teetering over a precarious edge. As a Libran, I sure hope I maintain that inner balance well enough.

Life is full of treacherous winding turns. At a glance, all its sweetness inadvertently lifts you up, but if you peruse life deeper, the hideous manifestations of all things bad poke at your inner core. Ah, the wretched things that happen. Disappointment all around. Agony and anguish extinguish all zest.

Oh, and before I forget ... I bring new meaning to the word 'careless'. I lose things, and I have lost myself.

Friends we've been for so long
Now true colors are showing
Makes me wanna cry oh yes it does
Cuz I had to say goodbye

By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

How can I adjust
To the way that things are going
It's killing me slowly
Oh I just want it to be how it used to be

Cuz I wish that I could stay
But in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh

By now I should know that
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

By now I should know
That in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

By now by now I should know
That in time things must grow
And I had to leave you behind
So why do I feel so sad
If it couldn't be that bad
Tell me why

By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

-->Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad<--

2005-08-29T02:39:00.000+08:00

The sweetest downfall is.
As you caress my heart,
And suspend my logic.
Cradle of despair formats,
Tears of blue,
Blue blessed streams they are.
So I drown,
In those streams,
And in you.

2005-08-24T18:34:00.000+08:00

I miss you, Wendy!

See, I put TWO pictures of you. That should make your day, aye? :)

-->Frente! - Bizarre Love Triangle<--

2005-08-23T12:58:00.000+08:00

I'm back home, far behind schedule compared to the rest of the NUS undergrads. But what do I do? All talk and no action, just feel the panic and then I fret, but I don't do anything about it. Ah, the power of NATO (no action talk only)!

I miss my wonderful holiday Downunder; with the excellent company, no one could ever complain. I didn't have to worry about academics there, why? Because I had no textbooks with me, and since I could not attend any lectures - ignorance is bliss. Oh how I wish I could just revert to being Maria of 717 Toaster! Wash dishes, clean up, make somebody tidy her room up yadda yadda ...

Balcony, I'm sure you miss me as much as I miss you. *sniffles*

I miss you girls :)

-->Paper Cup Words - Elin Sivgardsson<--

2005-08-19T00:18:00.000+08:00

The seeming fairytale of Time standing still for 3 weeks is finally a punctured bubble. Slapped back into harsh reality, a toxic mix of various emotions, thoughts and feelings compounded together.

I am so worn out of my skin. It's been one huge, long roller-coaster ride it's been (reiteration for emphasis *wink)

I will write more ... but for now, sleep beckons so desperately. On a yellow futon, with a lump of A's on it.

2005-07-26T01:36:00.000+08:00

There will be no looking back, and no room for regrets.

Hmm, and that line has been discontinued for the past 2.5hrs.

Do I really have nothing to say? Au contraire. Gazillion and one pieces of nonsense clamoring to be morphed into audible well-formed words, that are in dire need of acknowledgment. The physical pain that I am unfortunately experiencing right now, is certainly paralysing my fingers. The pain shoots right up to them fingertips, preventing my otherwise somewhat fluid, drum-like rhythms of my keystrokes. Help. But I know that this pain is all for the best. Maybe it's a mandatory punishment for the sticky predicament that I have put myself in. A sharp pain just shot through my sore system, thereby solidifying my suspicions that I deserve this manhandling chastisement. Help Help.

Why do I cry for help. Am I so stubbornly blind, or do I not realise that help is all around. It is in me - the one person who can help myself most effectively. Do I believe in karma. I do. What goes around comes around. But what one has been giving me, has yet to boomerang back right at one's face. I know that it eventually will (I hope you know it too, and please be prepared), albeit not entirely in the same context.

The irony of my sorrowful plight, is that the physical pain I'm enduring right now hurts so much but I don't want it to stop because I know, it's ultimately good for me. Whereas the other pain that I put myself through could actually be more excruciating. One big difference is, I do want the latter pain to stop because I know, it is detrimental to me. But I simply can't. Such are a pain-enduring fool's unheard laments that tremble with the mere vibrations of her secret fears.

It is essential to forget everything we need to forget.

"I don't think it's gonna happen anymore, you took my thoughts from me.
Now I want nothing more. And did you think you could just take it all away?"

-->The Cranberries - Twenty One<--

2005-07-13T04:56:00.000+08:00

I have been drinking every night since last Tues ... except for Sunday, where Lay refused to let me drink.
Say hi to my spoiling liver, and emerging beer belly.
I also have been guilty of ... having regular suppers. *Glares at Lay*
Now who's the culprit. I've been eating so much, guess nobody will comment again that I've lost weight, ha.
I am right on track, on track to be a fat Pig. And that's pig with a capital "P".
(Sniffles and snorts)

-->Narcotic Thrust - I Like It<--

2005-07-02T05:33:00.000+08:00

And so I am finally home, at this ungodly hour. I have to awake at 8am, to do a weekend surveying job...Shitty, yes. Dislike these kinds of approaching people, putting myself out in the open kinda jobs. Just too shy for it, makes me feel uncomfortable. Alright, most of you will be "What?! You shy?!" I get that a lot, really. But let's just say, the ones that really know me, know how shy I can be. However, I have no choice but to drag my sorry arse down to town this weekend. I am way too broke. Brought myself on a shopping spree this week, and boy, were Liza and Mabel shocked to see the closet shopaholic in me escape. Nah, I'm rarely like that, I don't blow money on shopping ... more on taxi fares, food, and drinks, ha. Well, twas all in the name of retail therapy. I am hungry. Should I resort to food therapy soon? Ahhh ... the woes of burnt pockets! Dang.

Met Jill today after months of hiatus. Was so thrilled seeing her, my Hainanese sister. But what really interested me was the first thing she said when she saw me ... "Why you machiam sad like that?" And I was taken aback. I have never had any friend say that to me upon the first 4 seconds of meeting up! Then throughout dinner, she commented that I look haggard, she can tell that I'm sad, and what-have-yous. Am I really? I'm not sad la.

Then Bee had to say later in the night, that I'm not looking too good. Hmmm! What's up with my friends ... perhaps they just haven't seen me in a long while. That must be it. Most friends say I have lost weight ... how could it possibly be? It is realistically impossible. Why? Because I just returned from a 19-day trip in Europe. Pasta, potatoes, rice, carbo! Oh dear, a sudden realisation just hit me. Maybe, just maybe ... I am finally starting to age. Physically. That explains the 'look so sad', 'look so haggard', 'not looking too good', 'lost weight' phenomena.

Now the ageing, turning 21 haggard not-so-fat anymore girl needs to rest her throbbing head.

"Captured effortlessly, that's the way it was,
Happened so naturally, I did not know it was love ... "

-->Chaka Khan - Ain't Nobody<--

2005-06-29T02:59:00.000+08:00

And life is such,
For she was that.
The wall divides,
Confusion and peace.
Scramble on forth,
My perfume of pain.
Mad sympathy for,
Forgotten bliss.
And life is such,
For I am this.

2005-06-25T05:20:00.000+08:00

As I sit alone in my darkened room, the only light emitting is from the screen of my laptop, and I look out the window ... At this ungodly hour of 5.31am, everything is is peaceful. All is tranquil and calm. And I want that for myself. I want to come to peace with myself, and the decisions I make.

I somehow feel I am on a piece of driftwood in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, allowing myself to be taken wherever the current goes. I can see the shore from afar, but no matter how hard I kick with my legs I never will reach it. Don't forget the sharks, yes, the sharks. They attack me, they bite me, they leave me bleeding, they leave me in pain. They try to be nice at times, but when they hurt me I guess they can't help it. It's their carnivorous nature.

The forbidden. We always want them more than anything else. The stupid. That's those who pine for the forbidden. The rush of adrenaline, when you think you're actually close to getting a taste of the Forbidden Fruit is indescribable ... but when the Forbidden Fruit slips away from your grasp and presents its availability to another, you feel like your insides are all yanked out.

I remember something I wrote last year, and I'm possessing the exact same thoughts right now ... It goes something like, "Things that have happened in the past two months or more, are like an illusion, a phantasmagoria of some sort ... Leaving me with almost certain doubt that all was a figment of my rather excitatory imagination, and a mere creation of my deranged mind. Were all that engulfed me then, chimerical?"

I used to belong to something special. Now that something special seemingly floated away ... I'd like to have it back, at least for this year.

Sleepiness does the weirdest things to you. I don't think I made much sense. Well, ANY sense at all. But I find it a pity not to publish what my fingers just blabbered. They do have minds of their own at times, really.

Ah, the darned beers ... such depressants these alcohols are. I'm a very happy person, really!

"Take me in your arms and let me know that it's alright
Look into my eyes and let me see you deep inside ... "

-->Artful Dodger - Twentyfourseven<--

2005-05-29T11:58:00.000+08:00

In this realm of hopes and wants, I will strive to maintain my faith, belief and trust. People are flawed, I have to work with that knowledge.

Dancing shadows in the dark
Elicit awe in pretty movement
Pressed forward in curiosity
Reasoning in blatant logic
Examples in painful faux pas
Searching in endless time
Salivating in anticipation
Incomplete in your absence
Overly submerged in water
Nearly almost dead in drowning

"In the night in my dreams I'm in love with you,
Cos you talk to me like lovers do ... "

-->The Real McCoy - Another Night<--

2005-05-25T01:36:00.000+08:00

Is it the cold, dark, stormy weather? Is it the pre-menstrual syndrome? Why do I feel so sad? Why do I cry? All these bloody questions. I feel so inadequate, constantly unable to offer satisfying answers to my self-conjured questions.

I am a cynic. I am full of it. Cynicism, that is. Somebody please get rid of it ... not all though. I would need some, to ensure my survival. Nobody survives without a small amount of cynicism. We can't weigh decisions without it and we won't make sound conclusions with it either. Too much is no good, too less is no good. I want to have the right measurement of cynicism as an ingredient among many others, to make myself an ideal person.

They say experiences make one stronger. I think mine have made me heartless. They have numbed me to other humans' emotions. When they are hurting, I am absolutely incredulous at their lack of control over their sadness. Seeing them with heartaches, I don't believe it cannot be conquered. But when the pain appears in my very being ... it becomes a whole different story. Why is that so? Why do I even have such double standards of self and others? I am no better than the rest out there in this harsh world, their pain is very much as real as mine. How can I scorn them and their pain, when I embrace mine with fully outstretched arms.

And how I brush away others' pain, and how I always repeatedly drill it into their heads how they're strong ... they'll get over it ... it's not the end of everything etc etc, I wish I could hammer those inside my thick skull as well. I've always thought of the mind as a powerful tool, and it's just a matter of whether one knows how to rein proper control of it. And once that is mastered, one can overcome anything physical and/or emotional. However, I watched something yesterday, and in that particular moving emotional scene, the man said this in a very evocative tone, "The heart is stronger than the mind".

"My heart can't carry much more it's really really aching and sore,
My heart don't care anymore I really can't bear more ... "

-->The Cardigans - Couldn't Care Less<--

(And I leave you with a song Lana sent, that never fails to make me cry.)

2005-05-22T02:49:00.000+08:00

I wanted the Puma jacket AND the Puma shoes. Decided to get the jacket first, then the shoes tomorrow. Realised my IC is gone, so that's 300 bucks for a replacement ... which means I have to bid the nice Puma shoes adieu. We can never get the best of both worlds, get the 2 things we want, have our cake and eat it. Never. It's always one, or the other.

Now days later, still the same many cognitions and emotions, and still the inability to voice them out. Perhaps now on top of it all, heartache seems to be peeking from behind the cognitive and affective clouds. Shakespeare was so right when he wrote in Othello that "jealousy doth mock the meat it feeds on". Can it be controlled the way May told me it could be? But my mind is not strong enough, and neither is my weak spirit. It's exactly how you thought you had made a one-step progress one day, and realise the very next day that you're now 3 steps behind. I just wish the realisation would hit, like the rays of light that beam towards us in the mornings.

Is it so hard to be happy, that the Dalai Lama has to write the Art of Happiness? Why doesn't someone eminent write abt the Art of Unhappiness? The Art of Depression? That is because innately, we all are suckers for pain; masochists we be. Subtle and slight, but surely. Because if we want to be happy, we will make sure we can be happy, we will find ways and means to ensure our cheeriness. If we want it bad enough, we will make it happen. One thing I find that is most within our locus of control - our own happiness. Everything is a result of personal choice. We're unhappy because we choose to be so, we choose not to do anything to alleviate it, or we might choose to do something ... but fall wayward while doing so with our weak wills and itchy backsides. Do what we say we would, the actions are what put weight to our words, else everything becomes weightless like mere wisps of smoke.

And after typing all that shit, I still have no clue to what I want. And without knowing what I want, no course of action can be planned.

Presages call out repeatedly,
Ignorance and despondence.
Run amok now with the body,
But heart be true with confidence.
So I plead, keep to your promise,
To be my rara avis.

"Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart,
I love you too much to make you stay, baby fly away ... "

-->Corrinne May - Fly Away<--

2005-05-16T00:56:00.000+08:00

I have been staring at the 'new post' page at blogger.com for 12 mins, hands and fingers all poised to embark on their typing journey tonight. Only to realise that the fingers don't know what keys to hit ... I wonder if there'll be some problem publishing my post at the end of it all, because I simply took a leap year writing this entry. Many cognitions racing around in my head - high population density and in danger of overcrowding; but I just can't seem to be able to grab hold of any long enough to write them down. They are like characters without names, people without faces, love with no place to belong ... Maybe these thoughts of mine will remain to be voices in silence.

It's been 2hrs since that first paragraph, gee. And now, I am just way too tired, to sit down with my fingers readily positioned on the keyboard while I struggle to contain my thoughts.

I assure you, I will write again. Soon.

"There's something about the way you looked at me,
Made me think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be ..."

-->Michelle Branch - Desperately<--

2005-05-06T17:08:00.000+08:00

So I've broken free of the reins of academics. Well, till the 10th of August that is. I really want to enjoy my free time, having some me-time. But I just can't do it, with my bloody neighbour having renovations, that will tentatively end on the 15th. Of JULY. *Curses and swears*

With so much free time on my hands, and so little money to spend, what should I do. I wanna take a walk on a rainbow, and find my pot of gold at the other end, then I can bid my stingy self adieu. I want to see a rainbow. Perhaps it'd remind me that things aren't so bad, that there's something good after all, in the midst of this overcast weather.

I rely on my mind to occupy myself, it really is a hazard, having been a Literature student and a current Psychology undergraduate. My mind works in overdrive, I get annoyed with myself sometimes for allowing it to do so. Asking my mind to stop its churning gears is virtually impossible, it parallels that of asking Time to halt. With school out of the way for now, my cognitive capacity has now allowance for other stuff, stuff which I had been pushing to the back of my mind. And now, it's all going to resurface and rush through the floodgates like the waters in a dam.

I don't want to think too much, for it all be incessant and unnecessary. I seriously doubt things are within my control. There's always something in the way of everything. Push it aside? Well, we could ... If we tried, if we wanted to. Good luck to all of us then! In our respective 'pushes'.

Somehow, I ain't that excited about the Europe trip no more. I seriously would not mind if the plans don't fall through again this year, but everything seems in place this time. Dang it.

"You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realise,
Your actions speak much louder than words ... "

-->Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad<--

2005-04-27T11:17:00.000+08:00

Utopia was done away with. The Charmed ones discovered a huge glitch in the whole process of 'Utopia' - the Avatars played God and decided who lived, or who died. Those who caused conflicts were promptly removed from the face of the earth, and everyone was programmed not to feel the loss of a loved one. Is that a good thing? Being so numb ... after all, it is just the absence of heartache and pain, the memories still linger. Doesn't sound that bad.

There is always a catch, and something good never lasts. Utopia lasted for ONE episode, *scoffs*. Something progresses really well and it feels too good to be true, and that is precisely when my guard gets up because it simply CAN'T be that perfect. And most of the time, I am right.

I can't wait for 1 more week, I'll be declared 3.5mths of freedom. Hurry hurry ...

"But I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart,
I'm fighting back emotions I've never fought before ... "

-->Trademark - I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore<--

2005-04-24T16:33:00.000+08:00

The previous episode of Charmed Season 7, showed the sisters giving the Avatars the go-ahead to change the world, achieving Utopia - something beyond good and evil. Everyone was put to sleep for 10mins, and during that time, history and the past were rewritten, to accomodate the new world. Everyone was so happy, courteous and all things good when they woke up. How far-fetched that is, what happened to the 'balance' of life, good vs. evil, without evil in the world, wouldn't the balance be tipped?

However, watching that episode, somehow made me almost wish it was happening for real. I've been thinking of it since Tues when it was screened. It'll be really good if all us were happy no matter what shit we face, no matter what happens, looking on the bright side of life. Then I could also still be happy if I fare badly for my finals.

If only things were ... if only.

"Don't let go, cos it's just a step from heaven,
and the strength of love is on our side ... "

-->Eternal - Just A Step From Heaven<--

2005-04-19T14:00:00.000+08:00

I am sad.

And the times when I was sad, I used to be able to delve into my books, used to be able to lose myself in them, study frantically, abandon any sadness-inducing thoughts. Why can't I accomplish that anymore?

Depressed. The motif continuously and mercilessly hounds me. There is no point hankering for what will not be yours. Yes, people tend to be stubborn ... egotistical ... proud ... whatever, but it does not suffice for me anymore. I've been living in a dream; a dream of false hopes and of unrealistic delusions. Depressive realism - how depressed people judge more accurately the realism of things compared to people with a positive outlook to life.

Anguish, dismay, despondency, dejection, despair. Smile. I need to do something about it. Happy. I need to get out. Laugh. Hang out with my friends. Rejoice. Meet new people. Blithe.

Or could someone provide me with the much needed panacea?

"I don't know where or when but we'll pass this way again.
In another life, in another place, I'd have held you close ... "

-->Ning Baizura - In Another Life<--

2005-04-18T13:28:00.000+08:00

Dear God, grant me the determination and capacity to study for my exams, and to be able to withhold the information till crunch-time for regurtitation purposes, in Jesus' precious name, amen.

"You know you've heard it all before, so I don't say it anymore.
I just stand by and let you fight your secret war."

-->Concrete Blonde - Joey<--

2005-04-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

So a new look, finally. Thanks to Xinyu and Vinn for their help, else this would not be running so prettily now, ha! :)

It was a hectic day. Woke up early, tried to finish revising for my 50% midterm for Health Psychology - mission unachieved. Went to school to take the dreaded test of Nair's. Rushed home, got ready to give tuition. Rushed to Sports Hall, to have myself play 2hrs straight of strenuous badminton with 3 guy friends of mine. *Moans and groans about her breaking body*

Emmanuel and I were talking about knee injuries, told me abt his removal of his mediscus; his friend who tore all her ligaments in a ski accident and could not play professional tennis anymore; telling me to be very careful of my very own injuries. That was when I felt the fear, for the first time. The fear that I will really hurt my knees, and I will not be able to engage in my sports ever again. This fear was also precipitated by the fact that after overworking my body the past week or so, with runs, skipping, weights and what-have-yous, I am experiencing a whole new pain in my left knee. I've never felt this pain before, it's so sharp, especially when I push off against my left leg. The pain shoots down to midway of my shin and also shoots up to my mid-thigh. Reminds me of my physiotherapy sessions I used to have to endure. The pain of the massage etc etc ... How could I have been disciplined enough for at least 2 years, having physiotherapy at least 4 times a week, and doing home physio exercises every day. Even if I had managed to do so, Dr. Ben Tan said that there will only be a 'slight' shift of my knee-caps back into place. I guess that statement didn't offer me enough incentive and motivation. Now look where I've landed, pai-ka me.

I wonder if my so-called 'addiction' to exercise now, is a consequence of sitting at the sides for 4yrs during PE in Primary School. Bloody asthma, I tell you. Still bugs me ... occasionally. I lost that 4yrs of physical activity and now I'm making up for it! Possible theory.

Anyways, back to Nair. I really really hope I don't get her for any of my Psych modules next semester. Having her teach me 2 modules in 2 sems is bad enough. She dislikes me. And let me tell you guys - the feeling is mutual. It all started with her module last semester, Personality and Individual Differences. Tis a long story, but I can share the conclusions many of my friends and I have arrived at. She is petty, biased and most importantly, anal-retentive. Argh! I am so worried I'll end up taking one of her modules unknowingly again next sem. Help. Any existing guillotines out there for rent???

"I am beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head.
Cos someday you're gonna get hungry, and eat most of the words you just said."

-->Ani Difranco - 32 Flavors<--

2005-04-12T12:11:00.000+08:00

What is with the baring of hearts and wearing of emotions on our sleeves online? A good friend of mine was absolutely astounded at the fact that I own an online journal, she thinks it to be very unlike me and rather immature, hmmm! Why do we succumb to this fad of blogs and what-nots? Do I really want my friends, strangers, and even people I don't want to be reading, read this blog of mine?

Perhaps it's plain laziness.
Friend A: Hey how've you been?
Me: Read my blog.
Friend B: Hey, read your blog. Are you okay?
Me: Yep, nothing, whatever happened I wrote there.

Is that it? How I don't wanna relate the happenings in my life over and over again, I blog it down and ask my friends to read it. How sincere is that. But I also thank those friends, who never fail to express their concern over my intermittent depressed posts, very much appreciated :) So is that why I blog more when I'm upset, cos I want sympathy? Yikes, that thought appalls me. I doubt the possibility of me being a sucker for sympathy. I very much have enough sympathy for myself, ha.

Another aspect of laziness. I type much much faster than I write, maybe that's why I'd rather pen my thoughts online than on paper. However, if that's the way, my blog should be a private, not public one. Why is it so public then? Because I'm selfless, I wanna SHARE my life with you guys out there, so someone can go around snooping and knowing stuff about my life that I don't want to tell you, and you can appear like you're pitifully spying on me, for all I care. You know who you are, and I don't wanna mention names.

Sometimes, my memory fails me. So this little space I have on blogspot.com serves to jolt my memory as and when needed.

I reckon I'm an Internet addict - that's why I have an online journal.

-->Bonnie Rait - Can't Make You Love Me<--

2005-04-05T22:09:00.000+08:00

How can one will oneself not to be hurt. How possible is it to numb oneself to emotional pain. When is the limit reached? Can I push myself that far, what will happen when I can't take it no more. Do my walls come tumbling down? Questions questions questions ... An endless quest, for unavailable answers. So many more things the chugging gears of my mind want to ask, which most probably will be answered with "I dunno-s".

Karma. What goes around comes around. How I had treated other people, the confusion and the emotional hurt are all coming back at me, biting right at my tail now. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so shy and scared when it came to matters of the heart. I so very much want to set my mouth agape and just yak and yak on and on about what I feel and want, but no ... the pipe is choked with so much rubbish. I feel like I have a huge furball in my throat.

I hate crying. Especially when your eyes are already natural slits. You look awful. I want to climb out of limbo. I have weak arms that cannot hold my heavy self for a long time, can't be hanging on as long as I want to. I'm fat. I want something good out of this. I want some TLC. I want the mental capacity and concentration to mug for my exams. All the want-s in my world. All the disappointments that accompany them. Please get rid of the languor creeping within me, replace it with something joyful and cloy my senses.

I know this post has been very disjointed. Ah well, incoherence prevails once more.

-->Sheryl - Who Knows<--

2005-04-02T07:44:00.000+08:00

I have never been this sleep-deprived before. And the rain clouds are passing over, dark ... gloomy ... cooling ... I very much just wanna plop back into bed! But damn this 20% Social Psych presentation. Dang damn darn!

It is the 2nd of April, and my finals commence in a mere period of 24 days. I am seriously fretting. I don't really have an idea as to what's going on with at least 3 out of my 5 modules. These bloody webcast lecture-d modules ... EVIL, I say! I have tonnes of readings to complete, and the fact that I have not even ripped the plastic off my Management & Organisation textbook scares me. All the effort and hard work I put in last semester to pull up my bottom-plunging CAP will be thrown down the drain. So much to do so little time. If only I had 30 hrs a day, the extra 6 hrs would definitely be of a huge embrace.

I keep thinking of Brisbane, and the bonds I have established during my 1-week stay there. The quality of company honestly plays a huge role; I doubt strongly that I would have been able to have that much fun with a lost wallet, and 4 days of Aussie public holiday if I were with different company.

I miss Lana and her friends she introduced me to ... excellent company, all of them. It's quite intriguing how a mere 7 days can change things so much, but I wonder how long the effects are gonna stay till.

Everytime my Aunt from Toronto comes over to stay with us, we all get so sad when she has to leave, thinking we'll miss them a lot, but that only lasts for a day, and we revert to our normal lives. The same thing happens when my friends leave to study abroad, we'll be really upset and all, thinking at THAT point in time, how much we'll miss one another. Indeed, I still miss all of them, but it was not as bad as I thought to be. Adaptation. A harsh and hated thing, but of utmost necessity. Out of sight out of mind? Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Or forgetful. As much as I don't want things to change ... something's telling me, somehow it will.

-->Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye & Shaggy<--

2005-03-27T21:44:00.000+08:00

Mood contagion. Is that the reason for my sudden dip in spirits? It's amazing how quickly one's mood can perform a perfect 180degree flip. But then again, maybe not, since Vinn said I already sounded moody in the afternoon ... Did I really, Vinn?
It's been a while, feeling this way, heartache and all that balderdash. Cause? Indeterminable. You know how you see a good friend upset and you just wanna be there for her, to comfort and console her. And you wish that she'll be fine soon, even though she won't say a word to you.
I like it here in Brisbane, I think that's mainly gotta do with the company. Lana and her friends have been absolute angels, making me feel right at home. I'm kinda dreading taking the 7hr flight back this Thursday afternoon ... I don't wanna go home. Perhaps then I will really have to bury my head in my books, and I don't wanna do that. I have no motivation or whatsoever ... Even my writing, awfully bland and dull. Blogging feels absolutely foreign to me now, I reckon I need to put in a tad more effort to blog more frequently? Hmmm, now that's a thought. Albeit it'll be a challenge, considering how mundane my life is, what's there to blog about. My thoughts? It's not as if I exericse my brain cells sufficiently ... I need more beer.
Mmmm.

-->Love Me, Collin Raye<--

2005-02-28T18:14:00.000+08:00

So they say that everyone has a niche for herself in life, each individual will find something that she's good in. But ... what's mine? I have been pondering upon this for as long as I can remember, telling myself to be patient for my 'expertise area' will be revealed to me in time to come. My diffident being hopes that all will be evinced and known to me soon. The anticipation is dreadful. Plus the fact that I also consider the possibility of NOTHING being discovered, does that mean I'll walk this road a good-for-nothing? Now, that's depressing.

In all my 17 years of schooling, I was never one to study, the grades I obtained and how I managed to land up in varsity were all due to pure luck (Thank you, LadyLuck). I am about to graduate in one year, and people are expecting me to do my Honours year, hey, I would love to, but where is the point if I were to graduate with a lousy Honours degree? By doing so, I would have thrown one year of school fees, one year of time, and one year of potential wages down the drain! And talking about future work, I have no slightest clue as to what I am gonna do when I am done with university. Having followed through every single twist and turn of this horrific realisation that I am nothing, due to my faineant way of lifestyle, it has perforced me to contemplate my future. My faintestest bleak future ...

The notion of me, living as an insignificant mere speck of mediocrity gnaws slowly but surely, at my inner being. As much as I hate to admit it, I am indeed an absolutely plain female, in the purest form of vanilla, bred out of the utmost calibre of commonality. The things I do and accomplish, are all but perfunctory.

For all I know, I may jolly well be going through my quarter-life crisis. Whoever defined the 'full-life' as being 100 years? Most Singaporeans are unable to live till 100, even past 85 ... So that justifies the probability that I am possibly going through that cursed crisis. Mmm ...

-->Lucie Silvas - Breathe In<--

2005-02-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

I miss Wendy already.
Doesn't help that Carol will be staying on in Australia when she graduates.
It's extremely painful when people who are close to you leave ...

-->Seether ft. Amy Lee - Broken<--